


I'm Still Here

by sassyruu



Category: Digimon - All Media Types
Genre: Gay Bashing, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Multi, Real Life Issues, Therapy, Touchy issues, because being gay isn't always sunshine and roses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-26 06:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3840691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassyruu/pseuds/sassyruu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yagami Taichi left on a foreign exchange student program. At first, it didn't bother Yamato, as he knew Tai would be back. But when a few months turned into a few years, things started to go horribly wrong. Will Tai come back before Matt breaks? Taito, rating to change in later chapters. Alternates between Japanese and English names--Japanese in speech and English in exposition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Call me Maybe

“ _Promise me you’ll come with me to the airport. Just promise me this one thing, Yamato. That’s all I want. I’m gonna be gone for a long time and I want your face to be my last memory of home until I get back!”_

A long sigh. Yamato slumped back on his bed, his arm coming to cover his eyes. That was so cheesy, so pathetically cheesy. But Tai knew how to make him crack. Of course he did; they had been friends for eight or nine years now, and had been dating for at least 3 of them in semi-secret. Of course Tai knew how to bend him to his will with the silliest, most adorable things. Damn him. Damn him to hell. “….I just don’t know if I can stand to watch you walk away.” It sounded sappy. It was only going to be for a school year, it wasn’t like Tai was leaving forever. But that word….leaving…God how it made his heart ache just thinking about it.

Truth be told, everything about the situation had bothered Matt back when Tai had told him that he was signing up for the foreign exchange program. That meant few calls. That meant no going over to the Yagami house and laying in Tai’s bed for hours at a time, just enjoying each other’s company. That meant no sleeping over and having an argument Saturday morning about what they were going to watch for the rest of the day. No hugs, no kisses, no verbal “I love you”s, for an entire school year. Nine whole months of Matt just wanting Tai to come home. He didn’t like the thought. Besides, who was to say Tai wouldn’t become interested in someone else? Matt had heard from Mimi and Koushiro’s friend Wallace that American girls were really pretty; of course they were, his mother was American. But would Tai be interested in any of them? Matt wasn’t sure, but he knew that anyone would have to have a better personality that him. “…I’m going to really miss you, Taichi….” His voice cracked; fuck, when had he started crying? This was so stupid and he knew it.

There was a soft, faint chuckle on the other end of the line, followed by rustling; Matt guessed Tai must have been climbing into his bed. It was 1:00, after all, and Tai’s flight left at 8:45. _“Trust me, I’ll miss you too…I’ll call when I can, but I can promise I’ll email you every day, even if it’s just an I love you, okay?”_

That did make him feel a little better, he had to admit. Matt sniffed a little, rolling onto his side and facing the wall. “Okay…send me pictures, too? I’ve never been to that part of America…”

“ _According to Koushiro it’s in the same state as Wallace, so…Colorado I think it was?”_ Tai never was good at remembering these kinds of details. _“But yeah, I guess my host family is like, an hour away from Wallace, and I’ve already contacted him through Koushiro and we’ve agreed to meet up. He said he would take me around, though he claims there isn’t much to see in Colorado!”_ Tai laughed, and the sound made Matt smile a bit. _“As soon as I have access to the internet, I will email you. Let you know I arrived okay, alright?”_

Matt nodded at first, before verbally replying. “Alright…You’re going to have some major jet lag though, so don’t think you have to message me immeadiately…” A snort on the other end told him Tai knew he had to, or Matt would through a fit. “Alright alright…just try to sleep at least a little on the plane?”

“ _I’ll try,”_ Tai promised, before a loud yawn escaped him. _“Shoot…I need to catch a few z’s, okay? Do you need us to come pick you up tomorrow?”_

The idea was nice, since the Yagami family was like his second family, but a part of him didn’t want them to see his breakdown on the way home from the airport. “No, I’ll be fine. I’ll drive myself.” He heard Tai make an uncertain, worried hum. “Really,” he tried to assure. “If I miss you too bad I’ll pull over and gather my bearings. I promise.”

Tai hummed for a long moment, and fell silent. Matt opened his mouth to say something more when Tai finally replied. _“Okay. I trust you. And any relationship is based off trust, right?”_ He chuckled. _“So I’ll trust you to use your best judgement.”_ Tai fell quiet for a moment, his voice going barely above a whisper. “ _I love you….”_

Matt felt his heart flutter rapidly against his ribcage, and his throat got tight. Those words…he let them echo a bit in his head before he replied, wanting nothing more to never stop hearing them while Tai was gone. “…I love you too…”

* * *

 

The airport was the last place Matt wanted to be at right now. He wanted to be curled up in bed, huddled in Tai’s arms and just listening to his heartbeat. Instead, he was sitting at the terminal with Tai’s family, sitting next to him. They were all chatting animatedly about the trip, and the sorts of things Tai should see and do while in America. And yet, Matt…couldn’t help but be selfish, not wanting Tai to go. But there was nothing he could do; the trip was paid for, the agreement had been made. Tai’s sister, Kari, seemed to notice his discomfort, giving him a small, sympathetic smile. It made Matt a little sick.

He slowly got up, mumbling something about the bathroom. Kari quickly stood. “I need to go too…and I can’t remember where it was on the way up here.” Matt seemed to frown a little, but headed away from the terminal, and out of sight. Kari quickly followed him. Once she was sure they were alone, she spoke again. “We’re going to miss him too, Yamato…”

A small, irritated sound came from his throat, leaning against the wall and sliding down into a crouching position. “I’m so damn selfish. I don’t WANT him to go. I want him to stay HERE, with ME.” His hands came up, fingers combing through his hair for possibly the hundredth time that morning. It was turning into a mess. “I never wanted him to do this, I wanted him to just stay close and be happy with me.”

Kari hummed a little, listening to Matt. She sat beside him on her knees, placing her hands in her lap. “I see. Yes, that does sound a little selfish, but sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. You love him. You want to protect him, to be sure he’s safe and happy, to be his center of attention. And honestly, that’s okay.” She smiled faintly, her head cocking a bit to the side and a soft smile on her lips. “The thing is, you have to learn how to detatch. Taichi can’t be at your every beck and call forever. You’ll end up smothering him.”

The blond clenched his jaw a bit, exhaling slowly. “I know,” he whispered. “I am more than aware of that, Hikari. And to be honest….That is the only reason I haven’t said anything today. Because I don’t WANT to smother him.” He looked at Tai’s younger, yet very intuitive sister. “I just kinda don’t belong here, ya know? You guys are all encouraging him, and I’m just…being the gray cloud overhead.”

Kari giggled a little. “You’re so negative, Yamato.” She was about to say something else, when they both froze, hearing a voice chime over the intercom.

“ _Flight 328A has now arrived. Please prepare to board.”_

Kari seemed to frown and looked to Matt. Matt had paled a bit, his jaw clenched tightly. No. No, he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to watch Tai get on that plane, to watch that plane take his boyfriend over nine thousand kilometers away from him, to have to face nearly a year without seeing that beautiful brunet and be held by him. Fuck he wasn’t ready for this. No. No. No. He barely registered Kari pulling him to his feet and tugging him back to the terminal until he heard Tai and his mother saying their farewells. The blond’s heart was racing.

Kari ran to her brother, hugging him tightly as he spun her in a wide circle, making her giggle loudly. He squeezed her tight and gave her cheeks kisses. “Now Hikari, I need you to watch over things for me, okay? Make sure Yamato takes care of himself, okay? Because God knows he needs me to babysit.” He was joking of course, and everyone knew it, but to be honest, Tai was a bit worried about Matt.

“I’ll take care of him, brother,” Kari promised with a nod. Tai had already shared his concerns weeks ago, and she had full intention of watching over her brother’s lover. She turned at looked to the blond, slowly backing away from her brother. Their parents seemed to catch on and turned away to give them a little privacy.

The two stood and stared at each other for a long moment. Matt was trying to stay calm. Tai was smiling a ghost of a smile, able to read Matt’s emotions. Slowly, Tai outstretched his arms in a welcoming gesture, motioning with his hands for Matt to come to him. Matt took one hesitant step, before quickly closing the distance between them. His arms wrapped tightly around Tai’s waist, and Tai’s arms tightened around the blond’s shoulders. They stayed like that for a long moment, neither of them saying a word. Matt’s face was hiding in Tai’s shoulder. Tai lightly kissed his temple, giving him an affectionate squeeze. “I’ll keep in touch,” he whispered. “I promise, okay?” All Matt could do was nod, feeling all his walls falling apart around him, the dam of his emotions cracking. Tai smiled faintly, nuzzling him. “I love you…”

Matt couldn’t reply. He wanted to, so badly. But the words couldn’t come out. They were stuck in his throat, choking him. Instead, a small, whimpered sob left his throat. His mind was racing, his heart pounding against his ribcage. He had so many things he wanted to say right now, but not enough time to say them. Another voice came over the intercom.

“ _Final boarding call for Flight 328A.”_

Tai forced Matt to let him go, and cupped his face in his hands. Matt felt the tears he had been fighting swell, trailing over his cheek onto Tai’s hands. His hands slowly covered Tai’s. “I love you, Yamato,” Tai repeated, quiet. “I’ll be back, okay…?” His thumb shifted, wiping the tears. “I’ll be back.”

“I don’t want you to go…” the blond whispered back.

“I know…But I WILL be back, okay? Just wait for me.”

Matt slowly nodded. He’d wait. He’d wait and pray and love and whatever else he needed to do for Tai to come home. “I love you,” he whispered, his voice cracking a little. “Please come back soon…”

“I’ll come back as soon as I can…” Tai pecked his boyfriend’s head, then the tip of his nose, before giving him a slow kiss on the lips. Matt couldn’t properly react, giving Tai’s hands a squeeze as a small sob left his throat. Tai bumped their foreheads together gently, before finally letting Matt go as the flight attendant started calling for him.

And before Matt could register, he was watching the plane take flight, his heart along with it.

* * *

 

The drive home was more than a little lonely. In fact, Matt didn’t even have the heart to drive home. At home, he would be alone. At home, he would lay in bed and dwell on the situation and make himself more and more unhappy. At home, dad would come home and bug the hell out of him to find out his issue. Not that his dad knew about Tai. No, Mr. Ishida was not the best person to know that information. So at first, Matt drove aimlessly around the city, no set destination in mind. But he eventually found himself standing outside an apartment. His mother’s apartment, to be exact. She probably wasn’t home, but it was the weekend, which meant his little brother, TK, would probably be around. He lifted a heavy hand and rang the doorbell.

The bell seemed to ring forever. The silence that followed seemed to go even longer. When the door did finally open, TK was standing in his light gray pajamas, his D-tector in his hand with a message from Kari visable on it. Slowly, the younger blond’s eyes seemed to soften as he looked at his brother. “Hikari told me,” he said quietly, gently tugging Matt inside. “C’mon. I’ll make you some tea, and we can watch movies until you feel well enough to go home…”

 


	2. Harder to Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The contact starts to dwindle, and Matt feels like he's falling apart. What he doesn't know, is what will REALLY tear him apart and the issues that will develop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say one thing before I start this chapter. Never. EVER. Ask in a review if there will be certain ships, and nothing else. That is rude. And yes, each chapter is going to be a song title. Because I'm a little shit like that.

The next few days went by rather uneventfully. Matt bummed at his mom and TK’s apartment for a few days, not wanting to be alone. The two didn’t mind; hell, instead of going out, TK even invited the rest of the newer digidestined over to help keep Matt distracted. It generally worked for a while, keeping his mind busy with video games and movies and just an overall pow wow collection of bodies. Because it only made sense for there to be a ton of people around when someone was sad and pining for their lover, right? Right.

As much as he would have loved to though, Matt couldn’t stay hiding in his mother’s apartment forever. While she would baby him and assure him everything would be okay in time, while she could shelter him from the pain in his heart for a while, she couldn’t do these things forever. Besides, Matt was almost an adult, he needed to take care of himself, as hard as it was. So, after a week of staying with his other half of the family, he returned back to his and his father’s apartment.

He was thankful that the old man wasn’t around when he got home. Or if he was, he was asleep. That meant he didn’t have to work on explaining where he had been for the week. He tossed his keys on the table, before slowly peeling off his shirt as he headed to his room. He felt gross; not showering and staying the same clothes for a week would do that he supposed. He hadn’t even realized it until now. He kicked his door shut, tossing his shirt into the laundry basket; his jeans hung low on his hips as he padded across the room to grab his laptop before collapsing on his bed. His mind wasn’t fully awake, until his computer chimed that he had mail. He blinked rapidly, before hurriedly sitting up fully and checking his email.

Junk. Junk. Mimi. Mimi. Kari. One of his band members. He scanned and scanned, looking for an email from Tai; he had promised, so where was it?! His breath caught in his throat when he finally found an email from Tai. The email was dated for three days earlier; in the subject line was “In Which the Taichi Invasion Begins,” followed by a smiley face. Matt chuckled softly, before opening the email.

_Yamato,_

_I promised I’d write, right? Oh look that rhymed! Anyway, I’m sorry this is a few days late. The flight was long and it took me a bit to get used to the time difference and get used to my host family. They’re kinda cool, and one of them actually speaks Japanese! Not very well, since they’re just learning, but it’s still really cool. I’ve been helping them with their Japanese homework. It’s almost funny to me._

_Are you doing okay? Hikari sent me an email and said you had a meltdown. Please tell me you’re okay now? Or, if not okay, at least managing? It’ll all be okay. It’s only nine months-think of it like having a baby! I’ll be back before you know it! And then everything will be lovely and joyful, like always._

_I’ve really missed you the last few days. The daughter of my host family has a boyfriend, and he comes over pretty much every day. Watching them makes me really miss you. Not that I didn’t already, but it’s made it a little harder. I miss yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!!! When I get back, I am going to smother you in all the love and kisses and hugs I can possibly muster up!_

_Sadly, I have to go. It’s about time for dinner. I think my host mom said she was making homemade burgers and fries? I wonder if they’re better in America… I love you!_

_Taichi_

Matt sighed a little, reading the email over and over, imagining Tai’s voice and absorbing it all. So he was alright. So he was thinking of him. That was an odd comfort to be honest. Matt’s fingers hovered over the keyboard, fingers twitching. What was the appropriate reply for this? Slowly, his hands moved from his laptop to his lap. No. No, he couldn’t think of a proper reply right now. He was mentally exhausted, emotionally drained…and he fucking stunk. He needed a damn shower, and he needed it bad. The longer he sat there, the more he realized it. “This is gross,” he finally muttered, setting his laptop on the bed and getting up. He gathered a change of clothes, before heading to the bathroom. Tai’s reply could wait just a little longer.

* * *

 

_Taichi_

_You sir, are an ass. I just want to throw that out there. And no asking why, because you probably know why. :I Especially if Hikari emailed you. Then you REALLY know. Ass. And you’re a dork. But you’re my dork, so it’s okay._

_It’s nice to know you like your host family. You? Helping with homework? You never even do your own, you idiot. Ah well, I guess it is easier to do when you already know the material like the back of your hand, huh?_

_I’ll be fine. I took some time staying with mom and Takeru, I’ve calmed down. Koushiro came to check on me at one point; I missed this week of school. But I’ll be back into the swing of things Monday; it’s only Saturday here right now. Once I get busy again, I’ll be fine. Of course, only you would make a reference to pregnancy for a comparison in time. You’re such an idiot. I just wish you’d be home sooner._

_I really miss you too. It feels strange, not having you around. Kind of empty, to be perfectly honest. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? At least that’s how the saying goes. I don’t really believe it right now. In my opinion, absence just makes everything hurt. But yes, Taichi, I’ll be okay in time. It’s just still a raw wound. Haha, and I’ll hold you to that promise. I’ll probably never let you leave my side again._

_I’m going to try and sleep now. I haven’t really slept well all week and I should really try tonight, get into a normal sleep schedule before Monday. I love you._

_Yamato_

Matt stared at the email, watching the blinking cursor at the end of his name. That would do, he supposed. It seemed so plain, like it was missing something. These emails probably would feel that way, after being so used to hearing each other’s voices and getting instant replies. But there was nothing that could really be done. Well, they could ATTEMPT a web call, but given the time differences, it probably wouldn’t work very well… He heaved a heavy sigh, hitting send. “I should just go to bed, before I do something stupid.”

* * *

 

Days passed, with emails before school and after, usually filled with playful banter and bickering, like they weren’t several thousands of miles away. Days turned into weeks, and the emails flittered to one, maybe two, every few days. They got progressively shorter and shorter. Inside, Matt knew it was his fault too, as he had been neglecting his email, but at the same time, he knew Tai was taking nearly as long to reply now. But it wasn’t until nearly a month passed with no email that Matt became visibly upset.

It started when he was in the computer lab with the other digidestined. Izzy had been briefing about some regions that needed some inspections done. Yolei and Ken had been taking notes in their D-terminals, since they would most likely be in charge. Kari and TK were on Izzy’s other side, making comments and pointing things out, while Cody was sitting on the floor with the baby digimon. Davis was late, as usual. And for some reason Matt couldn’t comprehend, it pissed him off. When Davis finally HAD arrived, he was chewed out by Yolei, which was expected. What no one had expected, was for Matt to suddenly stand up, rip Tai’s old goggles off Davis’ head, and threw them across the room like a baseball. The room had sat in a shocked silence, before Izzy quickly stood and shuffled Matt out of the computer room.

The second event occurred when Matt happened to be checking his email at Sora’s house on a whim and found an email from Tai. He stared at it for a long time and, after much urging from Sora, opened it. “Sorry for not writing,” he read aloud. “I love you.” Matt stared at the email, his hands starting to shake. Over a month. Over a month of nothing, and this was all he got? No explanation? Just a sorry and an I love you? “….Such bullshit…” he whispered lowly, hand clutching at the mouse of the computer probably harder than he should have. “….If he cared so much he would explain….”

“He’s probably just been busy,” Sora mumbled, keeping her voice soft, cautious. This was a tempermental moment, she knew. To be honest, no one had heard from Tai in a while, not even Kari, but Sora felt that was a detail for the younger Yagami to tell. “I mean, he probably has to struggle with the homework a little since it’s all in English…and we don’t know how the rules of the house work…”

“He could at least say something about it!” Matt half screamed, slamming the mouse down, watching it scuttle across the desk and off the side, dangling by the cord. “A fucking explanation would be fucking nice!”

“Yamato, calm down,” she scolded, standing up with a scowl. “If you’re going to abuse my belongings, I would like you to leave. I know you’re angry, I know you miss him, but you aren’t the only one. Not even Hikari has heard from him, so stop acting like you’re the only one affected by this.” The brunette sighed slowly. “We’re all strained. We all miss him. But you acting out like this? All it’s doing is pushing everyone away. It needs to stop, or I know I won’t be talking to you much anymore….”

Matt remained silent for a long time, staring numbly at his knees; he knew she was right. Everyone was getting frustrated with him, and that his behavior as of late was getting out of hand. He sighed slowly, running his hands through his hair, fingers tangling and tugging just slightly. He was doing what he feared most, wasn’t he? Figured as much. He let out a non-committal noise, tossing his hands down onto his knees again. “….I’m sorry, Sora,” he mumbled. “I’m just so….angry….and frustrated….” He pushed himself away from the desk, standing up and rotating his shoulder. He signed out of his email, before turning to walk out of the room. “I should get home. Dad’ll be expecting his dinner.”

Sora followed the blond as he walked toward her apartment door. “Okay, Yamato, but please be careful. Call me if you need to talk, ok? Koushirou and I are getting really worried about you, and I’m sure Hikari and Takeru are too…” She stood in the doorway as he stepped out, tapping the toes of his shoes on the concrete to secure them. “…be safe going home, Matt. We all really care about you.”

“….I know,” he replied after a moment, heading off down the corridor. He gave her a small wave, stepping out of sight into an elevator.

* * *

 

Most of the walk home was a blur of people and noises, all too familiar and monotonous in his mind to pay much attention to. He was too busy thinking about what Sora said to even pay attention to anything around him that wasn’t life threatening. He was doing it again, pushing people away, just like he had all those years ago. How ironic that the one thing that brought him and Tai closer together was coming back to haunt him when Tai wasn’t there. He shook his head as he came up to his apartment door, digging his keys out of his pocket. OH. It was unlocked. That meant dad was up. Great. He took a deep breath, stepping inside.

The sound of the tv hit his ears; the news again, he assumed, not paying much attention. He took off his shoes at the door, sliding into his slippers. “I’m home,” he called loud enough for the man in the living room to hear, heading straight for the kitchen. “I’ll get started on dinner. Sorry I’m late…” No response; that was fine, it was nothing new. Something about the silence was unnerving, however. As Matt turned to the counter in the kitchen, he found something strange, something that made his skin crawl and face pale.

The mail was sitting on the counter, most of it unopened. There was, however, one envelope that sat ripped open roughly. The envelope had small doodles and hearts peppered across it, and the top was ripped open as if by a knife. Hands shaking, he grabbed it, turning it over in his hands to read the front. There was what he feared; Tai’s name. It was a letter from Tai. But it was open. That only meant his father had read it. He peered inside the envelope; empty. Slowly, blue eyes rose to meet the dark, narrowed eyes of his father, said letter in his hand, crumpled by the force of his fist. “What is this shit?” the man spat, brandishing it at his son.

“….give me my letter,” he murmured, voice shaking. “….you had no right to open that….”

“I said, what the fuck is this shit?!” the man roared, making Matt flinch. His father had never hit him, but his yelling was enough at times. And if he was this enraged, Matt had no doubt in his mind that he had read the letter, and that he now knew the secret between himself and Tai. “I asked you a question, and I expect a goddamn answer!”

“….It’s a letter….”

“Since when did you become a damn faggot?!” Another flinch. Of course the man would call him that. He hated gays. He had always been opinionated about that. “I didn’t raise my son to be a dick-loving queer!”

“You barely raised me at all!” Matt spat back. “You made me into a little adult by the time I was ten! That’s not raising me!”

_SMACK!_ Matt stood there in stunned silence, feeling his cheek throb. He had seriously just been backhanded…? “You know not to backtalk.” He said nothing, swallowing back his rage. Maybe if he shut up he’d be able to have his letter. That hope was quickly dashed, however, when his father pulled his lighter out of his pocket, and lit the letter on fire, dropping the burning paper into the sink. “You’re not to speak to him again, he’s the reason you’re queer. Now make my dinner.”

Not a word left Matt’s lips as he turned to the stove, listening to the light crackling of the paper behind him. Hot tears left footprints down his face, but not a sound was uttered. There was nothing to be said, except he had been wrong. Tai really had been thinking of him, he had just done it in his own strange, personal way. But that had caused Matt trouble. How it pained the blond to think of that….

He didn’t eat. He didn’t even really shower; he had stood under the steady stream for a good hour, crying in silence where no one would know anything and his father would be none the wiser. When he couldn’t stand it anymore, he had gone to bed, laying there and staring at the wall for several hours.

He didn’t go to school the next day.

* * *

 

The sheer number of texts that flooded Matt’s phone the next several days were astounding. Not only had his band members messaged him several times, but the rest of the destined children had blown up his phone as well. By the time he checked it three days later, he had a good 98 unread messages. Most said the same thing, asking him where he was and why he wasn’t answering. There were a few from his mother expressing her concern, as she heard from TK and Kari that he hadn’t been in school. He had been about to answer her when his father slammed the door open.

“Get dressed.”

Tired blue eyes blinked slowly at the man in confusion. “…Why?” he asked, his voice croaking a little; he rubbed at his throat a little, making a face.

“Because we have someplace to go.”

Matt knew better than to argue, forcing himself out of the tangled mass that was his bed and slipping on a pair of jeans. Within less than an hour, they were walking into some building. Matt had no idea where they were, or why they were here. He was lead into an office of sorts, and sat down by his father. Fifteen minutes later, a small woman came out of a closed door, and called Matt’s name. His father pushed him, and Matt followed the woman into her office.

It was homey, and kind of reminded him of his grandmother’s house actually. She gestured for him to sit on a couch, sitting on a large chair herself. He did as he was told. “Yamato,” she began. “Tell me, how are you?”

That seemed like a loaded question. Instead of answering, he shrugged. He didn’t feel well, but he didn’t feel particularly bad either. “…I’m alive,” he finally told her.

The woman hummed. “I’m Doctor Isayama. Your father called my office in quite the tizzy the other day,” she explained. “He said you need psychological help.”

The look that crossed Matt’s face could only be described as the bastard love child of pure confusion and utter disgust. “Psychological help?” he repeated, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Pray tell, why would he say that?”

The doctor adjusted her glasses. “That I am unsure of. Why don’t you tell me about yourself, Yamato? Your childhood perhaps?”

The blond gave an annoyed snort, forcing himself to stand. “How about no? There’s nothing wrong with me that needs any sort of psycho evaluation. He’s fucking crazy, I’m a relatively happy person, I’m a musician, I get good grades, I’m in a great relationship--” He suddenly paused, causing Dr. Isayama’s brows to quirk. “…..That’s what this is about…. That fucking bastard….!” Blue eyes glared at the door to the lobby.

“Pardon?”

“He’s doing this because I have a boyfriend,” he growled, sinking back into the couch in submission. “He thinks therapy will fix it.” Slowly, he glowered at the woman. “You don’t believe that bullshit do you?”

Dr. Isayama chuckled softly. “Yamato, I am a doctor of the mind. I have read hundreds of books about sexuality; some say it’s a choice, some say it’s not. What I think is not the point. Tell me, Yamato, what you think?”

He didn’t say anything for a long time, crossing his arms over his chest like a pouty child. “…..I don’t think it’s a choice,” he finally mumbled, faintly noticing the scratching of her pen against her notebook. “It’s not like….you just wake up one morning like, ‘hmn! I’m going to like men today!’. It doesn’t work like that. And besides, why the fuck would I CHOOSE to be something that will get me attacked, beaten, looked down on? It’s stupid to assume it’s a choice.”

She chuckled. “Here is my belief: It is not a choice, however, circumstances can shape your subconscious.” She crossed her hands on her lap. “A woman who was molested as a small child by men, may find herself leaning more toward women as she gets older. Does that mean it is a choice? Not necessarily. Do you believe you were born liking men, Yamato?”

Well, this was certainly getting deep fast. He shrugged a little, squirming under her gaze. “….I ….I actually like both genders….I just tend to lean more towards ONE guy….”

“And that’s perfectly ok.” She watched him for a moment. “Yamato, if I may….Your father seems keen on having you come to ‘cure the gay’ so to speak….Instead of that, why don’t we focus on other things?” She looked to her notebook. “In your body language, I’ve noticed some defensive language. It makes me feel like you have some things you haven’t dealt with deep inside. I’d like to help you.”

He shifted a little. Since his father was going to force him…maybe he could get some things off his chest. “….fine.”


	3. Discommunication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to calm down for Matt, and even so he's still got a few issues to iron out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I posted in my note a bit ago, I do apologize for the wait! College, being an adult, etc....those things got in the way. Not to mention, I've moved twice since the last update. But I got muse for it again recently so let's see how long that lasts.

Matt continued therapy, though not for the reason his father had originally arranged. After all, even his new doctor seemed to think he was fine—in that respect. She was more concerned with some other behaviors he exhibited, and continued to ask him to return in a week. Every week.

And to be honest, it was actually helping. He vented about Tai, about how much they had hated each other in the beginning(though he didn't mention the Digital World for safety reasons), how they had reconciled, how they had been secretly dating(well, secret from his dad anyway), and where they stood now. He told her about the program, how their contact had dropped to pretty much nothing, how he was angry and hurt by it, how he was reacting so negatively that he was pushing all his friends away. But the more he talked to her, the calmer he seemed to get, especially toward the others.

He had made his rounds over the weeks, apologizing to people individually, taking them aside to make amends and show he was serious. Things were mellowing out, and starting to ease back into a sense of normalcy.

Except for one big problem.

While the majority of contact with Tai was supposed to be email, Mr. Ishida had made it his business to take his laptop and lock it in the safe, and removed internet access from his phone. So not only could he not get email, he couldn't even work on homework at home.

“It's ridiculous,” he growled, slumping onto Sora's bed next to Izzy, who was typing away on his laptop. The three had agreed to hang out that day, a Saturday, partially just for fun, and partially to let Matt borrow Sora's computer to finish the essay he had due Monday. “It's like, I know he's just trying to keep me from talking to Tai, but preventing me from doing my school work isn't helping anything.”

“Yeah,” Sora mused, tapping her chin with her fingers. “It's counter productive. I mean, wasn't he just saying a few months ago that you were expected to get perfect scores? How does he expect you to do that if you don't have your computer? Or any internet, for that matter? Its your last year in High School, you have research papers constantly coming up, especially now that we're closing in on the last several months of the term.”

That was right, Winter break was coming up, meaning there were finals coming up. He could study just fine, but research papers were another story. “Bouncing to other people's houses and saying 'hey I need to steal your computer for homework' is tiresome...”

“Have you talked to your therapist about this?” Izzy asked, finally looking away from his screen, though his fingers continued to click away at the keys. Damn computer geek. “She should be able to do something, shouldn't she?”

Matt made a soft of non-committal sound, laying back on the bed. “I said something yesterday, when she asked how school was going. She expressed concern for my school work, but there's not much she can do? She said she could advise my dad to give me computer and internet access under supervision, but whether he would or not is out of her hands.”

“What about your mom?” the auburn haired girl asked, smiling as if she had come up with a great idea. “She'd be able to come up with something, right?”

To be honest, Matt hadn't thought of mentioning to her. They usually didn't talk about school when he was spending time with her. “.....that's a good idea, actually,” he murmured, sitting up. “I'm going over tonight to spend time with her and TK. Sora, you're a genius, she most likely has extra laptops from her work she can loan me. And since they technically aren't mine, if dad took it mom could file for stolen property.” He stood up abruptly with a loud clap. “Genius! I could kiss you right now!”

“Please don't,” she replied with a laugh. “I know what's been in that mouth.”

“You're both disgusting,” Izzy mumbled, looking back to his screen while the other two laughed. “But Yamato, even if you got a computer to work on, could you connect to the internet?”

A smirk came to his lips as he sat back down, tossing an arm around Izzy's shoulder. “Well, I have a friend who can hack into my internet if I can't right?”

Brown eyes narrowed on Matt, Sora laughing in her chair. “You're asking me to hack your dad's internet from the laptop your mom lets you borrow?”

“Do you want me to fail High school?” Izzy sighed, and Matt knew he had won, pumping his fist. Izzy valued education, his own or otherwise, more than anything. “If you didn't agree, I'm sure I could get Miyako or Ken to do it, anyway.”

“Yes, well, no need to get them involved in potentially illegal activity,” Izzy mumbled, looking rather ashamed of himself.

“Just remember,” the blond told him, taking Sora's seat to work on his essay. “You're helping me graduate.”

There was something Matt loved about going over to his mom's place on the weekends. Whether it was because he was accepted for who he was, or the fact that he got to eat something he hadn't cooked, or the fact that he got to spend time with her and TK, he didn't know. Maybe it was all of those things. Either way, he couldn't help but smile when he let himself in, hearing some of the younger digidestined yelling inside. Sure enough, TK and Davis were sitting on the floor with game controllers, Yolei yelling instructions at Davis and Davis yelling back at her to shut up. The only people who seemed to notice Matt's entrance were Kari and Ken, who had been conversing on the couch; both of them had stopped in mid conversation, turning to look and just giving Matt a small wave, before they continued.

And somehow, Matt really didn't mind.

“Sorry for the noise,” came his mother's voice from the kitchen, prompting him to walk in her direction. She gave her eldest son a small smile as he came in. “I forgot that Takeru had invited his friends over to spend the night when I made the plans. I hope that's not an issue...”

He shook his head. “It's fine, mom. They're all good kids, I don't mind.” It was good for them to be hanging out, so Matt couldn't find it in himself to care. Not to mention, he usually enjoyed himself when they were all around; they were an amusing bunch.

She smiled warmly, holding her arms out to her son, who quickly came over and hugged her. She only knew bits and pieces about what was going on, since he didn't tell his brother a lot, but he could feel her love and understanding. She pecked his cheek with a kiss, before she pulled away. “How are things? Have things called down with your father?”

He sighed, leaning on the kitchen counter. “Well.....not exactly....I need to talk to you about something. I need help.”

Sapphire hues filled with concern. “Yamato, what's going on? I mean, Takeru told me about the therapy....Is that going okay?”

He waved a hand casually. “Yeah, no therapy is fine. Dr. Isayama is great, really understanding and non judgmental. She has said that she doesn't believe what dad has put me in for is right. No, that's fine. It's dad that's the problem.”

Ms. Takaishi leaned on the counter as well, giving Matt her full attention. “What has he done now? He's a stubborn man, set in his ways, but he does love you....”

“He's being contradictory,” he replied. “He said a few months ago that I'm expected to get perfect grades. But since this whole thing about Taichi and I has come out of the woodwork, he's made that practically impossible.” He looked at her, brows furrowed. “Not only has he taken away the internet on my phone, but he's taken away my laptop. I have research papers to do, I can't do them without those. I have a paper due Monday I've had to do at Sora's place or on Koushirou's laptop, constantly emailing myself the paper to make sure I have the most up to date version. It's been ridiculous.”

His mother looked almost insulted. “How does he expect you to get good grades without a computer?!”

“The old fashioned way, I'm guessing.”

She let out an annoyed sound. “Stupid man....doesn't he understand it's not like when we were kids?” She sighed. “Just a minute, Yamato, I may have a solution.” She left the kitchen for her bedroom.

While she was busy, Matt came back to the living area, where Davis threw his controller down after yet another devastating loss. “That's it! I quit! That's four times in a row now, you have to be cheating!”

The younger blond laughed, handing the second player controller to Yolei. “No, not cheating, just have more practice in it.”

Davis puffed out his cheeks, scooting out of Yolei's way so she could sit on the floor and back against the foot of the couch by Ken. The young genius didn't miss a beat, continuing his conversation with Kari as his hand went to Davis' head, playing with his hair in an encouraging manner. The sight made Matt raise a brow, but he made no comment. It wasn't really his place, if he was honest; not that he would judge, he had his own relationship to worry over, but it was just interesting. He made a mental note to ask about it later.

He had been so deep in thought, he hadn't noticed Kari asking him a question. He blinked, noticing her and Ken staring at him. “....I'm sorry, what? I was thinking to myself.”

Kari laughed. “It's okay. I was just asking how you've been.”

He sighed. “As well as expected without a damn computer.”

She blinked. “No computer? Well that explains a few things....”

“What do you mean?”

The younger Yagami hummed, pulling her knees to her chest. “Well...I got an email from Tai last week. He said he was worried because he had been sending you emails. I think he said he sent like, four? He said he was scared you were mad at him, or that something bad happened....”

Oh....now Matt felt guilty. Here he had thought Tai had just....given up on him. He felt his heart hurt a bit. He must have had an expression on his face, because Kari was giving him a look of sympathy. “....Well, I feel like an ass....”

“Don't worry about it,” She told him, pulling out her phone and typing something out. “He'll understand. He's just worried about you.”

“No I mean....This whole time I thought he was just ignoring me. That he hadn't even been trying to contact me....” It had been almost 4 months since his boyfriend had left, 2 since the last known email. He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “I thought he....was done with me.....”

Kari's brows furrowed as she looked at him; even he others paused the game to turn their attention to the situation. “Yamato...He loves you very much. How far you are from him means nothing. It's just an inconvenience.” Almost as if on cue, Kari's phone started ringing, the skype ring tone echoing through the room. “Excuse me,” she said, walking out of the room before she answered. TK and Yolei went back to playing, Matt stealing Kari's seat on the couch.

Ken hesitated, before crossing his legs and removing his hand from Davis' hair to give Matt his full attention. “If it's any consolation,” he began, causing Davis to sit up and listen in. “Yagami-senpai has said before how much you mean to him. I'm sure things are fine....”

The blond shrugged a bit. “Kind of...it kind of helps. But I'm just...I feel like an ass right now. All this time I thought he didn't care anymore. I hadn't heard from him in months and I just kind of....”

“Lost your mind?” Davis offered, earning a smack upside the head by Ken. “In all seriousness though, I'm sure everything will be fine.”

“Daisuke is right—for once,” Yolei chimed in. “Taichi seems to be a forgiving guy, he'll let this go. It's not like it was your fault, it was technically his, your dad's by extension.” That wasn't really making Matt feel any better. “All in all, it will all end up okay!”

“Yamato?” Matt looked over to Kari, who was standing in the other room. “Could you come here?”

He nodded, getting off the couch and walking over to her. “Whats up?” She said nothing, handing him her phone. He glanced at it, eyes widening just slightly as he stared at the screen. She was in the middle of a skype call, with Tai no less. He shook his head, trying to hand it back to her. She shook her head, walking away. He looked at her desperately for a moment, before sapphire hues glanced back at the phone. He swallowed thickly, walking outside as he put the phone up to his ear. There was the sound of typing on the other end; it was around 4 in the morning over there, what was he doing up? “...shouldn't you be asleep?” he finally asked, trying to build up the courage to speak more.

The typing stopped. “P _robably,_ ” Tai mused. “ _But I haven't been able to sleep very much. I either stay up too late, or wake up way too early._ ” Matt understood that feeling. He hadn't slept much since Tai left. “ _But it just gives me some extra time to do my homework._ ”

“Oh, so you're actually doing it for once?” Matt teased, making Tai laugh quietly. “What do I have to do to get you to do it when you're home?”

“ _Give me a really damn weird schedule,_ ” he answered, making Matt laugh as well. The laughter died down after a moment. “ _....so. Hikari says your dad is a raging bag of dicks.”_ A small sigh from Matt made Tai hum. “ _How bad is it? She hasn't told me much, except that you don't have your internet.”_

He sighed. “....yeah....it's been pretty shitty.” He told Tai the story of Tai's letter, how his father had gotten it before he did, burned it, and sent him to therapy. He told Tai about his therapist, how she was rather mellow and just listened to him talk. He told Tai about how his dad had lectured him about grades, only to take away his computer and internet right around the time of research papers. “So....That's where I'm standing right now.”

Tai had been quiet while Matt told him everything that had been going on, only to sigh heavily after Matt finished. “ _....So this is all my fault.”_

“Taichi...”

“ _Don't even argue it. You wouldn't be going to therapy, or had your computer taken if I hadn't sent that damn letter.”_

“Taichi, listen to me. I probably would have snapped anyway. I really wasn't taking this well.”

“ _....that's what Sora and Koushirou said....”_ He sighed. “ _I was getting really worried for a while there._ ”

He couldn't help but smile at that. So he really was worried. That really made Matt feel better. “I hate to know I made you worry but....I feel kind of better knowing that. I was getting kind of...worried.”

“ _Worried? About what?_ ”

He didn't reply at first. “.....That maybe you found someone else....”

A long pause. “ _.....I'm going to make this up to you, Yamato. I promise, when I come back, I'm going to make it up to you.”_

“I believe you,” he mumbled. “I'm really missing you....I can't wait to see you again.”

“ _I can't wait to come home. I mean, my host family is great, but it's not like home._ ”

“I'm sure...” Matt fell quiet. “You should really try to get some more sleep, Taichi. Its the weekend, right? Your host family won't mind, will they?”

A non-committal sound. “ _I guess I should....I feel much more relaxed and tired now, having talked to you....I'm glad to know you're okay...._ ”

“Just go get some rest, okay? My mom is going to loan me an old laptop and I should be able to get online in the next few days.”

“ _Will do. Tell Hikari I love her. And, I love you, of course.”_

Somehow, that made Matt flush a bit, like when they first started dating. “I love you too, Taichi. “Just go get some rest.” They hung up, and Matt leaned on the outside wall of the apartment, closing his eyes. He smiled gently. He felt better, so much better than he had in months.

 


End file.
